New Food Guidelines

Don't be misled, this has nothing to do with anything the FDA is laying down.  These are some ad hoc rules I've established in a Bitter Dregs reaction to the constant cute-ification and marketing bullshit of the food industry.

Rule 1.  Not every beer is a "craft" beer.  Stop pretending that everyone who puts something in a bottle or can for micro-production and slaps a clever graphic on it is making good beer.  Many of those beers taste terrible and show very little... craft.

Rule 2.  Let's put a little more "loca" in the locavore movement, shall we?  Sitting down at a supposedly locavore restaurant and finding they bring their ingredients from a neighboring STATE is bit of marketing caca.  If your food isn't sourced within 50 miles of where you're eating it, don't try to tell me it's local.  And don't try to charge me extra for it.

Rule 3.  "Artisinal" should mean something.  It's now the most over-used adjective in the high-end food industry.  Artisinal Cheese has become the craft beer of dairy.

Rule 4.  Let's eliminate obscure ingredients.  Lately, in food and drink, recipes seem more of a scavenger hunt challenge for difficult-to-source ingredients than a plan for cooking something you'd actually want to eat.  So, for those of us not living in Brooklyn, stop calling for one drop of monkey-blood-orange-distilled-cognac-barrel bitters in a cocktail that ends up tasting like a jock strap.  It looks suspicious when said bitters in only produced in a "craft" distillery with "artisinal" methods by someone in your family.

Rule 5.  A "Farmer's Market" should feature actual farmers.  If it doesn't, you're being duped and shopping at a mobile food mall.

Of course, ignore the rules.  Eat what you like, drink what you like.  Don't be pressured to like something, no matter what the label says.  If a craft beer tastes like horse pee and you keep drinking it, then the only craft involved is mis-direction.

Science Experiments

Today's experiment: a new citrus martini recipe.

2 dashes absinthe
2 dashes orange bitters
2 dashes lime bitters
1 part Dogfish Head blood-orange infused vodka
1 part regular vodka
1/2 part Dolan Blanc vermouth
1/2 part limoncello

Fill a martini glass with crushed ice and drizzle with the absinthe.  Swirl it all to chill and coat the glass. Set aside.

In a shaker combine ice, bitters, vodkas, vermouth, and limoncello.  Shake vigorously until the shaker is  well-chilled.

Toss the ice from your glass.  Strain the cocktail into the glass over the absinthe residue.

A nice chill for a summer happy hour!

5 Observations From Summer Concerts

1. To the drunk couple singing all the lyrics meaningfully into each other's eyes: no one came to see you sing and it's really not going to relight the sputtering spark in your sex life.

2. To the guy 10 feet from stage center: you're pretty cut to be able to hold your girlfriend on your shoulders that long, but everyone behind you came to see the band, not your girlfriend's ass.  It's a one-song limit on the shoulder-elevator, pal.

3. To bands that encourage unison, over-the-head audience hand-clapping: toss out some free deodorant with that.  Pit-sweat is the only thing stronger-smelling than weed.

4. To the weed-smokers: up your game.  I don't mind smelling your puff, but I do hate when it smells like a skunk's ass.  Shell out for more than stems and seeds, bud.  Get it?  Bud.

5. To the venue operators: $11 for light beer? Blow me.

On Projects

In the long dark of the winter months, you've got a lot of time to sit and drink--er, soul-search.  You review accomplishments, obsess over failures, come up with grandiose plans for the future.  My plans often take the shape of various projects.

These include a wide range of disciplines, from cooking to home improvement to the arts to film to high-tech.  I've been accused of taking things too seriously and possibly that's an accusation that sticks, but I'll tell you something: when I look backwards through my life, it's the things I didn't take seriously enough that haunt me.  Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against being a dabbler.  Life should be about experiencing and experimenting with a lot of different things and I don't think anyone has a duty to be an expert in all of them.

When I undertake a winter project, though, I try to take it seriously enough to approach it in an organized way.  Generally, this is in self-interest, because I want to have something to write about later.  So, if I can get myself out of my own winter doldrums, I'll start reporting on my projects here.

Next: The Daily Newspaper Project

The Annual Ritual

So... Time for the annual ritual of commercial-watching amidst a "sporting" event. This year, it's even more evident than ever that commercials are the real reason the "super" bowl exists. The unveiling of commercials for particular products is getting as much advance hype as the game. Let's face facts: it's early February, the football season is long over, and were in the long march through winter. Between now and spring training, you won't be watching a lot of football, but you will be drinking a lot of beer, hence all the commercials.

The game itself is usually a bore. If it all has worked right, the two best teams will be evenly matched, which results in a defensive heyday, with low scores, and little cause for fan celebration. Like watching a pitcher's duel in baseball.

As always, I'll be having the makeyourown hoagie party, drinking beer and watching to see what those sexy Doritos women do this year.