Let's Recap, Shall We?

My, my, what a week it's been, eh? How to keep track of all the fast and furious developments, you ask? Well, you've come to the right place for that special bitter touch. I've loaded up on coffee and the morning papers and have assembled your cheat sheet for the weekend cocktail parties, so you can look like someone who really cares about current events. If it works, and you get some real chat going, remember you found it right here at the bottom of the cup, where all the bitter dregs congeal.

Cheat Sheet Of The Week - Current Events Version

1. The Haitian Earthquakes. (Yes, Quakes, because even their aftershocks are stronger than most seismic events.) You can find real news about this everywhere. In fact, it's about the only story you can find on TV. Americans donate in record amounts to a country most can't point to on a map. Appear on the cutting edge by mentioning "Smile Boy," the latest survivor to be pulled from the rubble. The photo has become an instant sensation. If you want bonus points, tell your friends everything you know about the history of Haiti. I'm guessing it won't take long.

2. Dems Lose Senate Seat In Assachussets. First, a little perspective: this is NOT a referendum on Health Care. It's NOT a condemnation of Obama. It's NOT the end of civilization. The Democrats still control the Senate and hopefully, this will encourage them to exercise it. However, the symbolism can't be ignored: in a state that's consistently waved the Democratic colors, it appears like spitting on Ted Kennedy's grave to elect a Republican to the Federal Legislature. Extra credit discussion points if you can throw in the name any of the other legislators from MA, all of whom are Democratic. Will that one Republican senator curb healthcare reform? Keep your eye on the ball, people: the REPUBLICANS, as a party, are 100% united against any health bill. They want the insurance companies to profit at the expense of your friends and family members who are denied coverage. When they block you from the hospital, don't blame Obama, blame the rich old white guy, who's probably in the pocket of--

3. The Banks. The Market. Again. So, yesterday, the market "sank" according to the WSJ, on news that the government would dare to propose legislation reigning in banks and risky investment habits. Show your perspective on the markets by pointing out that a year ago, the Dow was below 8,000. So, a couple hundred points yesterday doesn't negate the gains the market has made from the pit of depression. Earn extra street cred in the discussion if you point out that if you can't take the short losses, you shouldn't be in the fucking market to begin with. The only people hurt by bank regulation are people who have more money than the general population. They screwed the economy once. You really want to give 'em a chance to do it again?

4. The Supreme Court Again Gets Into Politics. In the courageous tradition of the court that gave you President W, Corporations are now allowed to campaign for candidates without restrictions. What could possibly go wrong? Earn laughs and the girl of your dreams by coming up with witty campaign slogans: "Pepsi and Palin: This Is It tour, 2012" "The Merck/McCain Healthcare Bill".

5. The Unemployment Ranks Swell. Yes, Conan O'Brien is officially on the dole. Only he gets paid $45 Million. How much was your last unemployment check for? Yep, that's right, you actively contribute to the ruin of a once-great TV show, you publicly bad-mouth your bosses, you have the worst hair in the history of TV, and you get a BONUS. Hell, you could have done that. Bonus conversation points if you can explain why NBC honcho Jeff Zucker had CO arrested in college. Triple bonus points if you can find someone who actually gives a shit.

Annnnnnnd, there you have it, your weekend conversation cheat sheet, dregs-style! Use this knowledge only for good, or to crush your enemies, see them flee before you, and hear the lamentations of their women. (Quadruple bonus points if you identify that reference.)